I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
wishing you and yours all the best
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
When you’re here for the treats.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets