I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”


My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.


[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope


If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.


FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!


Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.


No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?


While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.