@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

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@U_Want_Shum_M8

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

@pbear79

If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

@Amusitr0n

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

@brunopieroni

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.