I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.