“I wouldn’t.”
You Might Also Like
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Velcrow
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]