@sixfootcandy
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
@better_off_dad
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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@sixfootcandy
@Gupton68
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
@TweetPotato314
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
@daemonic3
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
@kwirkyKerri
The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.
@sofarrsogud
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
@GorillaNipples1
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
@jellybnbonanza
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
@_davidlucas_
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
@sihamese
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
