@better_off_dad

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

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@Gupton68

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

@TweetPotato314

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@daemonic3

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

@jellybnbonanza

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@sihamese

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO