@HomeProbably

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

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@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@IamEveryDayPpl

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

@insignificuntxX

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

@daemonic3

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

@junejuly12

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

@Burnam1

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves