I wouldn't complain if I died, mostly because I'd be dead.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets