@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

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@KentTheG

When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@ozzyunc

Adding a few Barbie limbs to the dead bugs in a porchlight is a fun way to tell guests they should’ve left before dark.

@Benoo_Brown

“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born

@saucy_peaches

Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
5.
6. Don’t get married

@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

@AndrewNadeau0

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

@Shade510

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.