As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I needed a laugh this morning.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
mmm onion ringos
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*seductively eats two tums*