@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

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@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

@FattMernandez

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

@jdforshort

Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to

1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers

@Lisabug74

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

@welfarehoe

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@jamdugg

Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*