Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Anyone want a chair?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m confused about plants
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.