*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight