whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
~The Discovery of Fruit~
Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer