@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

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@ClichedOut

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@myonlymizztake

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

@iAmDelFreaky

~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?

Really?

*sighs*

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@handsock_butts

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer