@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

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@Caissie

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

@Sickayduh

Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea

@LMHPhotog

People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.

@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@GrantTanaka

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

@DrakeGatsby

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

@GrantTanaka

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

@BorowitzReport

Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”