I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]