@RadOrDie

I wouldn’t mind getting arrested today because I’m having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.

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@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@AristotlesNZ

I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.

@TheAlexP

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@carlyken

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

@3sunzzz

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

@fuzzlime

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

@KalvinMacleod

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine