i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
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Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.