@anerdonfire2

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

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@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know

@joejwest

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@mjkspeaks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.

@dubstep4dads

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic