I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

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I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?


Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.


If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.


me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know


ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more


Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?


I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.


Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic