I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
two people or more is called a problem
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u