I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Hamburger Hinderer.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“I’m helping” 😅
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
What
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger