*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.