I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Love this guy
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!