“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Try and stop me.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
This rocks