I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
lmao
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases