Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?