I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
You Might Also Like
Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.
Prius driver: oh no
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore