I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.