I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.


Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.


I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow


Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?


Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.


My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”


[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes


Keanu Reeves: *in an Uber* there is a bomb in this car and you have to keep the speed above 55 mph.

Prius driver: oh no


Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.


I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore