I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Storm Tropical Storm
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
When you’re here for the treats.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”