@SoVeryBritish

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

You Might Also Like

@SteveKoehler22

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.

@weinerdog4life

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁

@slytherinstef

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

@ConanOBrien

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee

@charliedelta7

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.