@SoVeryBritish: “I wouldn’t worry if I were you” - Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful ME: [trying to impress her] well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
@envydatropic: So many people say "if my memory serves me correctly" and I'm actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory.......
@panmidwest: ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers] WIFE: you could just- ME: I'm not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
@Ygrene: [an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands