“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site
But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If I was a superhero, I would be “not right now” man.
Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. 🙁
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.