“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.