I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.