So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.