I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

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Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.


God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch


I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,



Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?


[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”


dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth


I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.


[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?


Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!


#bidenmeme #Election2016