The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You Might Also Like
Me: You sound like a broken record.
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse
“You mean Centaur, right?”
Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile