@OhNoSheTwitnt

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

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@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@Smug_Lemur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

@danjan13

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

@TweetPotato314

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@ericsshadow

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

@Rollinintheseat

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.