@OhNoSheTwitnt

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

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@jwoodham

Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.

@thedadvocate01

God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch

@Beer4AGoodTime

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

@badbanana

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

@amselts

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

@OllyiConic

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

@hotmessminushot

I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.

@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

@3KidsNoJoke

Biden: I locked him in the bathroom, run!

Obama: Joe! You can’t…Give me the keys! Joe!

Joe: WHEEEE!

#bidenmeme #Election2016