@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

You Might Also Like

@BaileysIrishTom

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

@BareChesty

If the tv show “Cops” has taught me anything, it’s to stay away from ppl with blurry faces. They always cause trouble.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@TheToddWilliams

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@AndyAsAdjective

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.