{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane