Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.