I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

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An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.


Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.


Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.


“You’re an alcoholic.”

I prefer the term ‘bar-barian’


Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff


[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them


Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine