An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Twilight and Hostess are over. It’s a sad day for fat girls.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
“You’re an alcoholic.”
I prefer the term ‘bar-barian’
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …
Me: Tell my gf my phone password?
LS: Break every bone in your body
M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine