I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Legend 🤣🤣
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.