I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Snapes on a plane.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Phones down.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Would you wear it?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.