[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
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It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Me too 😆
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?