I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
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When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.