I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I think my mom just blocked me
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.