“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?