I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m too immature for adultery.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.