I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.