I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Facebook memories be like
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*