I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
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If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW