I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

You Might Also Like


Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”


12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing


me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”


Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha


“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”


“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”


What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.


Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?