Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
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12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
for all #parents out there
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
Find My Fish Son
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?