@jellybnbonanza
@Marlebean Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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@Marlebean 
@AdamOfEarth 12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
@HeelyRiddler for all #parents out there
@KeetPotato me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
@KimmyMonte Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
@AmishPornStar1 Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
@wolfpupy why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
@Fred_Delicious “Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
@momof1anddone_ What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
@mzeld Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?