@jellybnbonanza

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

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@Marlebean

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

@AdamOfEarth

12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing

@KeetPotato

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

@KimmyMonte

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

@wolfpupy

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

@Fred_Delicious

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”

“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”

“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

@momof1anddone_

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

@mzeld

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?