I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
You Might Also Like
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.