I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
i baked you a cake
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.