I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
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Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word