Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane