I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere


There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.


[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together


Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.


If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends


Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.