I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me