I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
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Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.