@Robert_Beau

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

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@sixfootcandy

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

@KeetPotato

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

@MarkBuckawicki

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

@stephenjmolloy

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

@DamonHunzeker

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

@electrolemon

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

@AristotlesNZ

Don’t worry, dude, You’re fine. I’m pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.

@LittleMissAngr1

The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.