@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

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@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

@LoveNLunchmeat

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

@char2_D2

Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”

@RodLacroix

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@heatherlou_

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@UnimpressedWU

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

@Darlainky

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.