Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]


Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.


Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”


Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.


Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.


*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*


me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners


Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.