Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class