Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back