IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”