@Diversion50

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

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@marebytes

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth

@ThisOneSayz

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

@Jez1

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@Fickle_Filly

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@jergarl

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.

@mommajessiec

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

@tyrannees

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”