Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth
IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?
ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.
ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
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Me: lay down
Me: arms above your head
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?
Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.
8: I’m telling mom.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”