ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Noah was an idiot.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve