My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no